WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

So much news to report. I hope I can get this done in a timely manner. Happy(?) AIDS day, by the way.

• The biggest news ever, in the whole world -- so big that it's out of this world: NASA is holding a press conference tomorrow at 2pm about an "Astrobiology discovery." In other words: They probably found life on other planets. HOLLUR! To watch the conference at 2pm tomorrow go here.
• The estimates are in and it looks like $1Billion was spent on Cyber Monday, making it the biggest ever. Maybe they should consider having a Cyber Monday midyear as well? Maybe people spending money before their Jobless Benefits end today.
• Over 100,000 people apply for 1,000 available positions as flight attendants for Delta -- making it one of the most popular job searches since American Idol. Either that, or a lot of people love inflatable slides.
• Bank Of America got some special treatment since the taxpayers were supporting it's ass. Basically, they hid the fact that they gave $6BILLION in bonuses to Merrill Lynch employees before acquiring ML ... and then, when they were caught for being sneaky, they only had to pay $150 Million to settle a securities law violation. Bogus.
• Speaking of bogus bullshit - the average American might have to pay an extra $1600 in taxes due to the shit economy. Thanks Bank of America! I wont be too upset if B0A are the next wikileak victims.
• Speaking of wikileaks... Assange, the man behind the leaks, is on Interpol's most wanted list, but not on Interpol's guestlist.
• Looks like the Egyptian elections were rigged this year (and every other?).
• North Korea and South Korea are still fighting it out. SK said that NK is totally gonna pull their earring out and cut them with a razor they hid in their mouth. Everyone just wants them to get it over with.
• Another day, another incident of the TSA being total d-bags. A woman in a wheelchair went through security in a bra and panties so she wouldn't get felt up and violated (again). The TSA agents weren't pleased and made her miss her flight. Americans: 0, Terrorists: 1000.
• Speaking of Terrorists... our environmental terrorizing government decided to give the coast of Florida a break and ban offshore drilling for another 7 years. Horay.
• Don't Ask, Don't Tell is still up in the air. Nobody can decide what the report the Pentagon just released means exactly. So uh... if anyone can essplain it to me, that'd be great. It's ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING that there isn't a screening for the mental capacity of soldiers but there is one for their sexual orientation. You can't bang someone of the same sex but you can kill innocent civilians FOR SPORT BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING LUNATIC. So gross.
• Russia is working with America in finalizing an agreement on Russian baby adoptions after an American woman ruined it for the rest of the world by returning her adopted Russian kid by buying him a one way ticket to Moscow and having him board a plane alone with a receipt.