OUT OF CONTROL

My mom called me up this morning at 9:30, waking me from a dream that caused me to cry in my sleep. I was so happy that she called (though I remember thinking in my dream, "why am i being woken? i need to find a resolution!") She had just gotten back from Israel the night before and was checking in to make sure I was doing alright and to send me her love. I forgot to tell her that I was in London, whoops, and thankfully, she didn't seem to mind.

In the dream, I was in a huge school with the kids I went to Miami with. It was an abandoned school that turned into a sort of house for people without a home. It reminded me of the place where Angela saw Juliana Hatfeild play in My So-Called Life. Anyway, in the dream I kept on seeing people that weren't there. Talking to them, interacting with them, being hugged by them. I remember going to some blonde girl in a pink sweater to tell her and she wrapped her arm around my neck (in a nice way) and swung me around until I fell to the floor and then she was gone. Everywhere I turned there were ghosts. Finally this one woman I knew from SPIN came to me with her 10 year old son and told me that she needed to find him a home since she was a ghost and couldn't take care of him anymore. She wanted me to do it. I got so freaked out and was trying to convince myself that I was capable of having a 10 year old child, particularly one without parents who needed one. The thought of a kid without parents makes me cry no matter what (I cried when I saw "Problem Child" cause the kid was an orphan), and so that's why my pillow was covered in tears when my mom called and woke me up this morning.

A little after getting up, Josh called and invited me out to brunch with his brother and sister whom have become like family to me. Seeing all those kids with the same face made my day awesome, not to mention the amazing weather. I decided to walk to K-Mart after eating to buy a bike (since mine was stolen), and realized that New York City has turned into a city of memories I've forgotten. I walked past things that once made me remember times when I got kissed by a boy I really liked, or held hands with a friend that meant a lot to me, or was the spot where something really awesome happened -- now they made me remember that I once had a memory of something. But I couldn't place myself back there. I've drunk them away! That was an accident! I was only supposed to drink the sad memories away, and I ended up doing away with the good ones too. I felt like an amnesiac who knew her way around by instinct, but nothing else.