HOLY SHIH-TZU

I went home last night for shabbat dinner at my parent's house. It was nice and uneventful as usual. I mean, save for the extra dose of jewish guilt my mom laid on me for not wanting to spend the night -- i just can't sleep in that house without waking up in the worst mood ever. Also, when i walked in my mom started grilling me for apparently smelling like alcohol. She wouldnt leave me alone until i raised my leg higher than i have since quitting gymnastics as a tot and made her smell my jeans. I was like "listen, momizzle, i haven't watched these jeans in like, 3 weeks. they smell like booze because they're drenched in it." She winced and said "you should really wash your jeans." And then my dog bit my face.

My dog, Maxine, is a 15 year old blind shih-tzu. As I was leaving the house my mom picked her up so i could kiss her goodbye. I love her to death (my parents got her for me for my 9th birthday). Anyway, I kissed her and she didnt do anything, but she's so cute that I had to kisser her again and, POW, she freaked out and bit my nose. I grabbed it and gasped. This is the second time she's ever bit my face (the first time she ripped open my lip and i had to go to the hospital), and so I was a bit used to it. However, for some strange reason my eyes started gushing tears as blood started flowing to the floor. It didnt hurt tho. Lucky for me, I love scars. I just wish these scars were more like, on my cheek or something in a Tina Fey kind of way. Insead they're like, deep scars on the sides of my nose that make me look like even more of a drunk than i already am.

If anyone asks, I got beat up.

VICIOUS HANGOVER

If any of you are like me, you have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER as to who is playing the Superbowl. I think the Dolphins might be, but i'm not quite sure there's even a team called the Dolphins. But I love watching the game cause I love the commercials ... so anyway, if you're looking for something else to do, come to this afternoon/brunch/superbowl party I'm DJing with the Stills:


Sunday February 1st :: from 4 to 8 PM @ Pianos upstairs
melodynelson.com & jenyk/dot/com present
THE DAY AFTER
monthly Sunday afternoon party
Guest DJ's: The Stills, Ultragrrrl, Greg K
food and drinks
Super Bowl on big screen TV
FREE COVER!

This will be the inaugural day of a monthly event that will change the way you think about Sunday afternoons. Imagine hanging out in your living room with your friends, but your living room is Pianos upstairs, and your friends are rock star DJ's spinning your favorite tunes.

Brunch and drinks will be served. There is no cover. Upcoming Day Afters will feature indie film short screenings, art/photo exhibits, acoustic sets by your favorite bands, and more celebrity DJ's than you can shake a martini toothpick at.

All brought to you by the folks that brought you
VICIOUS - melodynelson.com and jenyk/dot/com

PS - i'm just super excited to play songs that dont need to make people dance.

BEEEOTCH

Not entirely worksafe, but totally awesome.

By the way, does the Franz Ferdinand album ever get boring? Even when i'm not physically listening to it, I'm thinking about it.

BRING IT BACK DOWN BRING IT BACK DOWN TONIGHT. DOO DOO DOO!

Ok, i'm about to go to bed, but before i do: I saw The Killers tonight and they fucking owned. So good despite the technical difficulties at the beginning. PLUS! they dedicated a song ("On Top Now") to me. So hot. And as Whatevs would say, so best.

Things that Shouldn't Make You Laugh

But will.

BIRTHDAY PARTY!



If you wanna go, you gotta RSVP.

ATTENTION MUSICIANS

I just got this in my email, so i know just as much about this as you do.


Here is a summary of the Guerrilla Video project:

GV pairs cutting edge indie film directors with hot bands, gives them a
limited budget and time period and films the process of them making a video.
We have an awesome list of indie directors and some great bands but we are
still looking for musical artists to include in the project before we pitch
it to broadcasters. Any ideas are much appreciated.

N
--
Nicole Page
Director of Feature Development
Engel Brothers Media
www.ebmedia.com
(T) 212-413-9200 x9244
(F) 212-413-9201 or 509-463-4537 (eFax account)
(E) nicole@ebmedia.com
535 Eighth Avenue, 19th Floor
New York, NY 10018

NUSE

One of the better bands you'll ever hear is releasing their amazing album in the next six weeks domestically! horay! Warner Brother Records wised up and signed the band. Realizing that kids are buying out all the imports of Absolution, the label decided to release it asap.

HO-FUCKING-RAY!

I'm finally drunk. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for this? I dont think so. I was at Don Hill's tonight for the Plus One party. Plus One is a management company that my friend Jonathan Kaplan started after finding a lot of success with stellastarr* and other projects he was working with. Sadly, I missed stellastarr*s secret show tonight, but i managed to catch all my friends who came out to support. I'm drunk right now by the way.

Ok.

Right.

So, i danced. The boyfirends came out. I was dancing with Greg when my brother sauntered over to us and said "make room for the holy ghost!" ... I guess he felt like we were dancing a bit too close. Thankfully he wasnt there when Greg the boyfriend undid my bra while he was hugging me as i bought a drink -- before i could say "Hello! i'm a pious one!"

Tonight was fun. I dance with Rob Sheff, Ali, and Raph a bunch. My head is spinning right now so it's hard to think right. Oh, i forgot to mention that i had this great conversation with Justine and Greg about band we love and stuff. Most interestingly was our conversation about bands we met that we wish we didnt. It's the sort of thing I constantly think of in my job. But really, whom am i kidding?

I also went to see "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" today with the prettiest girl in nyc, victoria. I think Vicki managed to get the entire theatre riled up with her running commentary. Seriously, the only person to see a movie with this winter is Victoria. Someone asked me if this film was good and i was like "bring vicki and it will be the best movie you've ever seen."

OK, head spinning too mcuh. Must sleep. Nighty night.

Mmmm... Franz Ferdiand are still good.

AWESOME

I just found this: Movie Based on Tenafly

Sony Pictures is presently shooting a light comedy called "13 Going on 30" starring Jenifer Garner. Tenafly was used as its setting. The name "Tenafly" has been changed to "Tamarak". Movie to be released in Fall.

TENAFLY IS THE SHIT, BINATCH.

BABY'S GOT THE BENS

Last night was Doug Brod's birthday party [ok, i'm totally interrupting this entry because i'm watching "Best Week Ever" on VH1 and it's making me so fucking happy -- think i love the 80s, but for last week -- which translates into the greatest crack britney spears' money can buy] which we celebrated at CB's with an open bar, rock bands, and the wheels of steel manned by Marc Spitz. I started dancing when he dropped the Hives and managed to find myself surrounded by people when "Hey Ya!" came on. I also gave Lizzy a lapdance when he started playing "Closer" by NIN. I arrived a bit late and brought my own booze even though there was an open bar. Four beers in and I still wasn't drunk. I was buzzed, but not drunk. I lost my balance a few times, but really, that was only because i was wearing platform boots. You know what I found out that was really awesome? Doug is a really awesome dancer! Also, i found out that there's such a thing as psychedellic hip hop and Alex P promised to recommend some songs to me to check out. I had a really fun time and ended up staying really late with Caryn chatting with Ben Kweller and his bassist Josh -- who were both super nice.

I then went to Lit to find my friends Eve, Jenny, Dan, and Rob, but wasn't so successful since I kept from going downstairs -- which is probably where they were. I managed to find the boyfriends, Greg and Raphael (actually, the moment I walked into the bar Raph and I spotted each other and we didnt even say hello as much as sang/acted out the song "Tainted Love" to each other since it was playing, hugged, and then walked alway). I ended up running into another Ben, whom I alerted, looks exactly like Diego from Y Tu Mama Tam Bien (sp?) -- well at least the photo of him in the new issue of Details. Diego that is, not Ben. I started blabbering endlessly about being a Jew and wanting to marry a Jew one day and having babies, and then digressed into how i just can't get enough of the british boooooooys. "I wanna breed!" i yelled at one point. I wonder if i was feeling jewish guilt for not being at home for shabbat -- but it wasn't my fault -- my mom's still in Miami.

I drank another beer -- which equals 5 beers, and never got drunk. Infact, i got sober WHILE drinking. This is such bullshit. I didn't even eat that much yesterday. The only thing I can think of that might've been off was drinking a Red Bull. Still, I call bullshit. I'm not sure who or what i call bullshit on, but I call bullshit.

Is it wrong that i find Ben Affleck very clever and funny and not so bad? I also really like Ashton Kutcher quite a bit.

Radio 4's "Dance to the Underground" was just used in a Mitsubishi commercial. That's awesome for them!

THE JAPANESE ARE CRAZY

They are. Here, here, here, and here.

It sort of reminds me of that Nintendo movie starring Ben Savage and that Robin Williams movie TOYS where they had kids play war games to become better killing machines.

CONFIRMED!

Franz Ferdinand WILL actually save your life.
I'm still in the office, it's nearly 10pm, but i cant stop listening to the Franz album and fear what might happen when it stops playing. fuck.

DONT YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR DADDY'S EYES AND SARAH IS AN ALCOHOLIC

Last night I did two things that are very out of character for me:
1. Attended a Starsailor show.
2. Arrived somewhere EARLY.

First off, i've often told my friends that I would throw myself out the window of my office if i ever had to hear starsailor's "alcoholic" song ever again. Second of all, i'm late to everything. I can't help it. I could be going to my neighbor's house and i'd show up a half hour late. But anyway, i blame the two above things on Laura and Jason Roth. For one thing, Jason made it so that the only way Laura could go see Starsailor (a band she loves) was if she was my plus one. Because I love Laura (and because she does the math for me whenever i need to save my money since i'm jew... but i do the driving) I agreed.

I met up with Laura before the show for dinner at Zen Palate with her friends Nick and Ben who are in a band called Surefire. Nick and Ben are both in high school. Get your hands off my teenagers, motherfucker.

The Surefire boys wanted to get to the show early, and well, I had nothing better to do in the bitter cold, so I went with them. Plus, they said that a guy named Johnathan Rice was going to open and I remember Stephen telling me really good things about him.

So I went. And Johnathan came out on stage and before I set my eyes on him I turned to Laura and commented on how he sounded like Ryan Adams mixed with Chris Martin. So I got up on a chair to get a better look and nearly fell off with shock. Johnathan looked exactly like my very own mail-order teenaged scottish boyfriend Barry (who is now 20 and no longer unique... kidding). Turns out, Johnathan was also 20 and scottish. I wonder if the two of them know each other. He lives in Williamsburg now, so not likely. Already Laura and Jason were saying "see! aren't you happy you came to the show tonight?!" OK, i confess, i was.

Ever since I got Laura the ticket to the show (by the way, she totally let me take her home last night -- oooh the things we did!) I promised Laura that I'd hurl a beer bottle at Starsailor if they started playing "Alcoholic." Second song in, they did. My first reaction was to crash my head into the table and laugh maniacally. After I did that i looked for a beer bottle, found none, buried my head, and laughed. I think i went into psycho mode cause i started singing along really loudly and out of tune. Sarah Wilson's friend Terry turned to me and said "whoa! is this your favorite song?" HA!

So thankfully that song passed through my system early in the night. And thankfully for the band I didnt have a beer bottle to throw at them. After a while I found myself actually enjoying the show -- which i'd like to blame on the absolutely great hypnotic light show. You know when you're like a six year old japanese kid watching an anime cartoon and you fall into seizure cause the light and animation is so fast but you cant take your eyes off the screen? That totally happened to me. I found myself singing along to "Good Souls" and screaming with joy when James the singer said "there's a band here called Surefire that you should all check out on sunday at Sin-e." how fucking sweet?

Basically i arrived at the show ready to kill, and left a fan. Strange how that happens.


LEND ME SOME CHARLIE BROWN SUGAR, I AM YOUR NEIGHBOR!

So fucking cute.


I'M SO DRUNK THAT I DONT MIND IF YOU KILL ME

You know how the NME said that Franz Ferdinand would change our lives and we all laughed and threw the NME across the room and said "what a bunch of fucking retarded monkey people!" Well, you know what? Fucking shit, they might've been right. If the Strokes wrote this album we'd all be too busy jacking off with excitement and joy to stand up and go to work and our economy would go down so quickly that another world war would end up getting started THANKS TO FRANZ FERDINAND AGAIN!.

Jordan the hot almost-teenaged breakfast clubber from Detroit said that Pulp's "Common People" will be the favorite song of the girl he falls in love with. I would like to trump Mr. Silver and say that the favorite band of the boy I fall in love with will be Franz Ferdinand. This month at least.

OUR FUTURE PRESIDENT

Poor Howard Dean. Right now the offices of SPIN are sound polluted with yelling of Mr. Dean. It's deafening. A page featuring about 20 remixes of Dean's motivational yelping was passed around the office, and now i'm passing it over to you. Check it. You NEED to download the Immigrant song remix as if your life depended on it.

1,2,3,4 ... OUTKAST GONE HEEB

A hooked nosed version of my favorite song in the past five years.

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT HULK! DEAN IS COMING!!!!





Thanks to Kris and WilliamTell for those!

THANK GOD!

Now i'll be cleared for all that internet porn i've been viewing.


ATTENTION READERS

Nevermind.

HORAY FOR EARS! HORAY FOR EYES!

First off, Franz Ferdinand are the fucking shit. i just went to see them tonight and spent the entire dancing and jumping up and down with my brother Lawrence. I couldnt take it anymore, i seriously had to give myself a time out for a moment and have the following conversation with... myself:

"there's not enough room for you to dance where you're standing."
"yeah, you're right. so try to move a bit. that should sort you out."
"true, but wouldnt it be so much cooler if you GOT UP ON STAGE and danced? like, the crowd could reallly use a cheerleader. they're moving, but you know you want to get up on that stage and dance like you're at don hills and someone's playing 'common people' or something."
"sarah, this isnt tiswas."
"but it'd be so much fun. how cute are they??? and i just wanna dance! dance! i wanna dance!"
"simmer down sarah."
"ok. fine. bitch. i'm gonna yell out something instead!!"
"do it!"
"I LOVE YOU FRANZ FERDINAND THE BAND!"

As a result, my friends came up to me after the show saying that they knew i was there because they only know one person who would yell like that... and that's me. I couldnt help it! you see the sort of fight i had to have with myself first? It's all very planned out and negotiated. My friend Eve, who I haven't seen in a month or two since he was previously living in St. Louis, found me after i yelled that. Like, it's my mating call or something.

Anyway, back to the band. Franz are danceable like Blondie. The singer has a voice like a crooning Mark E Smith meets Mick Jagger -- however, i'd like to point out that they totally remind me of that APB song "Shoot You Down". So fucking excellent. Everyone walked out of there with the biggest smiles on their faces. I skipped out on the post show drinking in favor of sleep. But i'm so excited about the show that I had to post about it! AAAAAH!!!

pretty boys:



VIVA INFORMATION!

I also got to see the Information for the first time tonight. They showed so much potential and Max the singer is a total dream boat. His girlfriend, whomever she is, is lucky.


TV FREE BEDROOM!

I'd like to add that my TV is still broken. There is no picture and only sound. It's like having talk radio. I forgot that stepped into the time machine and went back to prehistoric times. Bullshit.

OUT OF CONTROL, OR NOT SO MUCH

Friday night: OK, typically my Friday nights are reserved for going to my parent's house in Tenafly where I eat the Thanksgiving-like feast my mom prepares and then retire up to my room to watch comedy central and talk on AIM to my friends who have yet to go out for the night as i'm sitting in Jersey staring at my blind dog as she walks in circles looking for her water dish. However, lately my parents have been going down to Miami like it's about to break off the continent and dissolve into the golf. So this friday as my mom lived it up with her sister and kids in south beach, shabbating and probably arguing, me and my brother and father went to my mom's brother's house for dinner. It was fun. I quickly filled my father in on what i've been up to lately since we dont really talk that much. not because we dont get along -- we get along better these days than ever before -- but mostly because he seemed to be paying attention. He nodded his head and said "that's good."

After dinner Lawrence dropped me off at Hi-Fi so i could help Adam Mandel ring in his 29th year. His mom bought me a beer, which was awesome. Then J.Go dropped the biggest bomb of a question ever. I mean, apart from asking me to marry him -- which he does daily -- he asked me if we could raise little Moz, Bowie, and Jager as atheists. Are you fucking kidding me. I feel like writing a children's book in the same vain as "Heather has Two Mommies" but mine will be called "Why Your Daddy Hates God." Jesus, i sound like some sort of heeb freak. I'm not.

Anyway, Jason and Gordon introduced me to Diana who will be sharing a bungalo with us during Coachella and Adam told me that when he told his exroommate that he'd be sharing a bungalo with me, his reaction was "she puts the bung in bungalo." and "I'd like to put "it inn" Lewitinn."

Saturday: I refused to leave the house. I hate the cold and the cold hates me. Seriously, on my way back home from Adam's party, the milk in my breasts froze. Like two massive rock hard ice sculptures attached to my body, i'm still waiting and hoping they'll defrost by the time i make out with someone. Dare to dream.

So I spent the whole time on my couch watching TV. I woke up at 3pm, so i was the ultimate in slothness. I can't even tell you what I watched. Eventually I remembered that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey would be on SNL so i called Lindsay and Whatevs and told them to swing by to watch it with me if they wanted. When they agreed I called Laura and Brian and Greg to see if they wanted to come over as well. At 11:30pm nobody was there and I was about drift into sleep when I got a call and suddenly my room was filled with 2ManyBloggers. Since it'll take me more time than i can handle to do the html for everyone that was there, i'll skip that: Lindsayism, Whatevs, The Minor Fall the Major Lift (whom i nearly kicked out for 5 different reasons -- including dissing radiohead -- but sent me a nice email today, so he can't be all that bad), Elizabeth Spiers, KarenPlusOne, NewYorkDoll, maybe some others? Dunno. For anyone that wasn't invited, please don't take offense. I told Laura to tell everyone at Dennis' show to come over, so blame her, my beautiful scapegoat. I honestly thought nobody would show up and didnt even bother buying more beer. Thankfully people came prepared. Oh, and I taught some super cute swedish guy how to knit -- which would've been cooler if he was from Norway, and made everyone watch the Olsen twin movie "When in Rome" and "Zoolander." You know, what, it was actually a really lovely, spur of the moment shindig. I also think that Whatevs is so fucking cool. Best evs!

Sunday: I woke up at about 3 and had Brunch with Sarah Wilson at Clinton Street Bakery (surprise, surprise -- i need to move my bed into there for real). We were gonna see "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" but it was sold out so we went to see the Mandy Moore movie called "Chasing Liberty" which was actually really great. I fucking love Mandy Moore. I love that she's not skinny and kind of plump with a belly and big boobs. Plus, her acting was really great in the movie. Really great. Not as good as Charlize Theron but maybe better than Christina Ricci. She's underrated.

After the movie i bough $50 in magazines and went home. Got dressed to see Laura and Rob Sheff DJ at Filter 14 and had one motivation in mind: get drunk. For real, i think i'm totally incapable of getting intoxicated. I can get stoned, that's easy. But getting actually drunk is another. I miss those days so fucking much. I miss the days when my friends would first look at me with a huge smile laughing as i toppled over and then i miss the look they'd have when i'd drop to the ground and take a nap spontaneously. These days i have too much control. Control is so overrated. Substance abuse is a lost art. I danced with the fine folks at Filter 14. Audrey, Jenny, Dan, Rob, Lizzy, Marc, Giulia, all of them. We danced to Laura. Booed the electroclash band and the not-so-good DJ who DJed in the front room during Grand Mal (which prompted Lizzy and Marc to offer me money to tell the DJ to change the music -- and when i refused Jenny did it for free). Danced some more to Rob. Then my friend Evan showed up. I've known Evan since kindergarden and so he came and we danced. Then i hopped into a cab with laura and evan and headed off to Bar 13 for Shout! Where I danced some more. Eventually I had to pee and went to wait outside a bathroom door for someone to come out. The first door that opened revealed J.Gordon. I pushed him back into the bathroom and proceeded to make out with him until the bouncer told us to get out.

Here is Marc protecting my identity since I looked worse than Britney Spears after a night of marriages:


Monday: I woke up on monday at 3pm again and met up with Brian at Pink Pony for some brunch. Ate two main courses. I'm such a pig sometimes, but i was hungry. I'm always hungry. Maybe if i ate less i'd get drunk faster?

I went home to watch some TV and nap some more and got Nate a cheesecake for his birthday after i finished watching American Idol in Lizzy's room since my tv is broken suddenly. After cake, Nate went to meet up with his band, Lizzy went to work on her NME piece and I sat in my room staring at the wall. My friend Kris then called me inviting me down to Max Fish for a drink with Franz Ferdinand and Chris Newmeyer (also from Domino records). By the time I got there, the rhythm section were the only ones left and hardly able to see straight. Karen stopped by and it looked like I was gonna leave shortly after arriving so I told Vicki not to come down, which i now regret doing because the rest of the night (which was only about 1.5 hours long in total) turned out to be totally random. I hung out with Paul and Bob of Franz and Kris and they seemed a bit excited to know that we had a friend in common in Barry (who was once a teenager and as of sunday, became 20, i'm still mourning his teenagerdom and thanking god that he delivered him to me when he was still 19).

About 20 minutes after i got there, Paul was like, cross eyed with drunkenness and couldnt really utter anything other than the fact that he was pissed that he couldnt get his fiance into the nme awards and was thinking about not going. i asked him about 40 times how long he's been engaged, and his eyes drifted down past my eyes, past my mouth, and onto the floor as they violently crossed themselves as if the words coming out of his mouth were making him ill.

Just before I left I ran into my friend PJ who i see randomly but it's always really nice to run into him since he was one of my first post-high school friends that i had made. Then Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley came over and asked me to help her find her jacket. My eyes were so dry from the heater that i could hardly think because i was concentrating on keeping my contacts in my eyes. I made no sense when talking to her but made sure to tell her how much Sarah Wilson loves her. After finding her coat, i was about to walk out the door and suddenly Zev Borrow passed me. We start chatting and then Kelly Osbourne walked by. We made eye contact. She came over and we started talking. I haven't seen her since November. She looked great. I miss her sometimes. I miss a lot of people sometimes. But we hugged, said goodbye. I then hugged Zev, wished him farewell and went to San Loco with the boys and Karen. Bob and i contemplated getting into a fist fight after eating tacos, but it was really cold outside and i didnt feel like going outside. adding insult to impending injury, i told bob that i could never punch him cause he's got the face of a little baby. instead we held up our palms and started punching each other to see who could punch the hardest. he punched alright, and i kept on punching the hand until he said "oh. i gotta play tomorrow. maybe i shouldnt do this?" so we stopped. the fight is so on tonight. i have no idea what sparked it.

Catch the Boys

fun.

Take Me Out

i have a huge update to type up, but i'm hungry and too busy at the moment. i had no internet access this weekend, so i actually did things. or rather, things actually did me.

Until then, Brian updated his site with amazing photos. He also added a paypal link so people who read his site can donate money to making sure he has more mis-adventures despite unemployment.

FUCK YOU BODY

You know why? Cause you didn't even have the common courtesy to at least get me drunk last night. Champagne, tequila shot, 2 stoli-o sea breezes and NOTHING?!

Michael T's birthday party was so much fun... mostly because of all the people who came to party. Including the very one and only WHATEVS! whom actually talks that way in real life.

More to come, but my bro is downstairs to pick me up for shabbat dinner at my uncle's.

HOT DAMN!

Thanks so much to everyone who wrote me about that Britney Spears movie. You all saved my ass!

Also, I'm in a music video! It's for stellastarr*s "My Coco"... I'm wearing a red tshirt and look like a monkey. My brother is in it too. He's wearing an eggplant shirt and tie and looking like a male version of me -- also a monkey.
See it Here.

HELP!

OK, i bought my plane ticket to palm springs for under $300/round trip!

Now, i need help. I need to find out who is playing Britney Spears' character in the adaptation of the book she wrote with her mom "A Mother's Gift." So far i've heard that the movie might be called "Holly" and it's gonna be on ABC Family. Does anyone have any info on this at all?? I'm not crazy, it's for an article. I'm just stumped! Thank you.

ANDY GREENWALD IS FAMOUS!

He's talked about in a Cartoon

MY VAGINA JUST BURST!

Sorry for that visual, but yours will too:

RADIOEHAD
AND
THE PIXIES
AND
KRAFTWERK

Are all playing THE FIRST NIGHT OF COACHELLA!

Seriously. My head is too small to compute. This means that the second night is gonna make me vomit all over myself.

WHAT IF IT'S MORRISSEY? His album is out in May AND he played the first coachella. Jesus, my head is spinning. i need to sit down.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME...

People keep on asking, so i finally asked around, and found out that the Killers' January 29th show is on sale NOW. They're opening up for the Stills and the show isn't listed on the Bowery Ballroom website, but it's listed on Ticketweb under the Stills.
Or you can just CLICK HERE.

HIPSTER BLING

My brother is selling these Sergio Valente sunglasses that are really awesome. Our father was the licensed manufacturer and, when they went out of style, he took them home where they remained in our basement for over 20 years. When I was little my friends used to come over and take a pair for their parents who would then call my parents and thank them profusely.

Here they are in all their awesome glory:

BROVVAS REPRESENT!

My friend Baron Vanhuisen had such a great costume on for Halloween. Here he is with his brother and sister-in-law (baron is the dark horse cause he's down):


Also, in keeping in the brothers theme... The family that Nicole and Paris stayed with in Arkansas had the hottest older brother! HooooWeee! Did you see him on the Simple Life reunion show. Wowza.

I'm not gonna go to the Unicorns/Fever show tonight. I'm not feeling good. Lame.

BLOGGER DILEMMA

My friend Karen recently realized that if her mom were to google her name she'd find her blog in which she speaks openly about smoking the marijuana. Luckily i dont have the same concern when it comes to my mom. For one thing, she has no idea what google is. Secondly, my mom was ready for a Spears-level intervention when I started this blog, so nothing would surprise her. Lastly, I don't talk about my excessive pot smoking, coke sniffing, or heroin usage on this blog. I save that for IMs with the friends.

Brian Battjer cheered me up by showing me photos of him and his friends being super duper homosexual GAAAAAAAAAY. I love laughing at homos.

I think American Idol is on tonight. I auditioned for last season (for a SPIN article that never saw the light of day). I spent two nights sleeping on a tarmac with a bunch of other hopefuls in Pasedena, CA. The entire time the kids sitting next to me kept on singing and singing and trying to get me to join in. I have a shitty voice, so i never did. BUT SOMEHOW, I managed to get a call back by singing the Smiths' "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want." I didnt make it to the Simon rounds, but i did manage to tell off some of the pre-Simon judges when they asked me who wrote that song.

ARMY OF ME

Stand back... i'm in the worst mood suddenly. I have no reason for it except for the fact that my body is totally in pain. My head is spinning. I'm seeing double. And I'm feeling extra vicious today. Maybe it's because i had 3 beers last night and twice as many cigarettes? Maybe my socks are too tight. I feel like i'm gonna black out as i'm typing this. I should go home. I just told Lizzy "I dont think X should crash at our apt. I fear for his well-being. He's messy, doesn't wash his hands, snores and I might stab him in his sleep." I still haven't caught up on my sleep from last time he stayed at my apt.

I'm not a psycho. Just at this very moment. I blame booze. Always a skapegoat.

Britney apparently had an intervention. She's in a sleep clinic, just like Kate Moss. It'd be awesome if they became friends with each other and talked about their nose collagen.

I'm looking to cut my hair like Anabel from Bow Wow Wow. Shaved on the sides.

MADDAS EXPLOSION!

There seems to be an abundance of Saddam related goodness on Scott Stereogum's site. Check out Saddam's cover of Outkast's big hit "Hey Yeah".
Check out photos of Saddam's capture taken with a stealthy digital camera that begs for Brian iKeepADiary's captioning.

AVERAGE JOE 2

Did anyone watch "Average Joe 2" last night? Looks like the beauty queen got rid of all the fatties.

BLACKOUT... AGAIN

I went to see Rob the Street and Dan Byrne's band Morning Theft tonight. They were really fucking awesome. I was kinda surprised because you never expect your friend's band to be good, and they were. They reminded me a lot of British Sea Power mixed with some Nirvana. Dunno how that's possible, but i look forward to seeing them play again.

BUSTED!

Thanks to a reader, i just found out that the 38 year old dude that Britney gave the in and out to is John Cusack! Let's hear it for her giving it to Lloyd Dobbler! I didn't think i could love her more than i did before, but i do.

Also, Laura ModernAge is DJing on Sunday. Here's the email she sent:

To: pleasecometomypartyyougaymotherfucker@themodernage.org

Ok another reminder... I DJ way early on Sunday (starting at 9:30) but what
i didn't realize was 2 things: 1. the next day is a holiday, and you
probably have off work, 2. Rob Sheffield is DJing the same night, but after
me, and honestly, how much better could it get? BECAUSE ROB IS THE
AWESOMEST GUY EVER! (I know a lot of ppl go around saying such and such
person is "awesome", but for real, Rob really is.)

again, if you want to forgo the paying at the door thing, and prefer be
comped for the night, PLEASE EMAIL ME (laura@themodernage.org) your info and the number of guests
you are bringing.

Thanks.

bisous,

l

BUSTED!

I NEED HELP!

No, I haven't relapsed into a drunken-drugged out stupor... I need help finding a location for the birthday party I'm throwing with Miss Laura "I'm An Honorary Asian Jew" ModernAge and Dan Byrne. We were hoping to have it at this one place, but that's being closed for renovation. Now, i need to know if anyone knows of any bar that is typically empty and could really use the business that the three of us would be bringing them. There are so many bars in Lower Manhattan, one of them should love to have 100+ retards celebrating and singing karaoke on February 7. Please email me if you can help. Thank you.

A BUNNY

THE HEBREW HUMMER

Michael T just sent out invites for his Birthday party this Thursday. The Flesh will be playing, and if i went gay for anyone, i'd go gay for their keyboardist. Not joking at all. Here's the email he sent out. He calls me "kosher putang" in it... that's sort of genius:

Ladies & Gentlemen-

I cordially invite all of you to "celebrate" the vacant life of Michael T.
This thritysomething year old filthy, cross-dressing, coke filled
menace to society has managed to live one more hateful year!
Shim will be celebrating it's b-day with fellow capricornian Yana C.
Whom, has the best set of Cocksucker Lips, since, well...me!
This party is gonna get real kooky, so stay late and watch Misty reach for
new lows!

BROADCAST presents
The Michael T & Yana C
"Double Fisted" B-day Bash @Bar 13
Thursday, January 15th 2004
35 E.13st university pl [212]979-6677
No Cover/Doors10pm/21&Over/ID Please!

FULL OPEN BAR on Both Floors 11-12!

Hostess:Peppermint GummyBear-This is one Big Black Mama, she's FIERCE
and she will STOMP on you pasty white children if you try it with her!

Live Performance by:The Flesh@ 11:00pm

Late -Nite Cabaret Show @ 1:30AM
with T-Boy-New up & coming legend!
Milan & Coco- MT's- 2 black, back-up dancers very old skool back of the bus performance art pre Rosa Parks Realness!

Main Floor DJ's:
Michael T & Jess
Oh Jess, my dear little partner, still going through his "straight" phase
In about five years or so he'll be starring in the NEW "Alternative"
Hollywood Squares now called The Hollywood Triangle, jess sitting in the
center pink triangle, of course.

Plus, "The Ladies of Rock"
Christine Renee [The Hunt Club]
Ultragrrrl
Karibomb [Dutch & Bullit]
Justine D [Motherfucker & Aktion]
Spinning:New Wave, PostPunk & 80's Pop!

For one night only! Michael T Dives into "The Vaginal Abyss" "The Bush Gardens" "Continental Seafood Platter" If i have to do it, i might as well do it all
at once! All American Bush [Christine] Kosher Puntang [Ultragrrrl] Eskimo Beaver [Karibomb] My personal favorite, Ching Chong Chow Chop Suey Cho Cha [Justine D] I get a free can of coke with the last one:)

Upstairs Host:
Lyle Derek-This Texas Homo is a Real Talker and Shmoozer!

DJ's:
JDH-This is what happens when you don't "Feed The Children"
Cowboy Mark-They're still talking about what i wrote the last time...
regarding this one. Now i live in "Fear" because i have the ABNHMLSC after me!
[Angry Bitter Nostalgic Half Mute Lesbian Society Club]

Spinning:60's Soul & Funk 70's Coke-Y Classics
& Booty shakin Jams!

Photo Exhibit by:Jeffrey Weiss
Decor:Stacey [fashionfollower.com]
Door:Thomas O-Watch out for this one...Shady!!

Other b-Day Guests:
Jamie, Jeff, Jeremy, John, Miss X and the biggest Homocesspool in NYC...ZACH!

Treats & Eats from PINCH [pizzabytheinch]
I can usually take about 8 inches before i start screaming like a poor defenseless white woman!

Giveaways from Tony & Tina Cosmetics
[The children always need make-up!]

Promotions by: Andy Shaw-I have not ONE but TWO Orientals working with me!
[I'm an equal opportunity employer]

Dresscode-I know it's cold, but wear something cute for Mother T, it'll
make herm happy!

*The above was written by Michael T. This is MT:

DEAR MOM, CAMP IS GREAT. PLEASE SEND COOKIES.

Check out Jason Roth circa 1979, publicity giant, at sleep-away Camp Henry Horner -- in rural Illinois. The entire camp looks like they were extras for the Bad News Bears. He's the one in the front row rocking the Cheap Trick t-shirt and baseball cap surrounded by brothers -- thus proving that J.Roth has always been down. Lizzy the roommate is trying to clone him as we speak.

THIS GIRL IS TOXIC

Poor Britney. She's really got herself into some problems. I was watching Leno with my mom on Friday and he asked her what was oldest age of a guy she's ever dated, and she pretty much alluded to sleeping with someone 38 years old as her oldest and 21 years old as her youngest. My jaw was like, on the floor. I mean, she didnt say "the oldest guy i fucked was 38 and he was wheezing the whole way through", but she might as well. She also totally reminded me of me when i was sucking down the boozers. Her ability to hold conversation, and her body language just screamed "hello, my name is Britney Jean Spears, and I am an alcoholic." Anyway, i found this on World of Britney:

Radio stations all over the country are reporting on their websites that Britney's new single 'Toxic' has been postponed until March 1st. This is all due to that bosses at her record label have now delayed the planned release and are considering banning any public appearances by Spears to promote it - fearing questions about the wedding will dominate. The world premiere of the Toxic music video has been rescheduled one day and will air on Tuesday.

These news came out after Britney failed to show up at work in Miami to to shoot a promo for an unknown feature. Nobody knew where Britney was and why she didn't show up. Well, it makes sense, Britney right now, probably has no idea how she will be handling this, as she has lots and lots of tough times ahead of her as she has not made her first public appearance (with statement) after the wedding. Some say she's spending some serious mother-daughter time back home, while some say she's currently in rehab (not the bad rehab, just the talking to psychologists type of rehab.). I'll keep you updated....

POETIC LOVE TEXTS

My friend Brian M. has been sending me these awesome texts messages the past couple of days. They're so good that i feel guilty keeping them all to myself, so enjoy:

What is 6ft tall, has blue eyes, and is drunk enough to fall down a flight of stairs?

Even angels blow their loads when I dance.

Sadly i erased a text he once sent me that talked about rainbow koalas. He is a genius. He also made me a portrait of Neil Diamond using his own pubic hair for Neil's chest hair. I have yet to actually get this portrait since I insisted he frame it first, but i've seen photos and it's amazing.

WONDER IF HE INVENTED POT

Al Gore's son was arrested. Check out his mug shot!

LENDING A HAND AND SEVERAL MILLION $$

Lately, I've been getting about 3 of these emails a day. I just thought I'd share:


Dear

PRAISE ALLAH, THE MOST BENEVOLENT.

I am Mrs Iyesa Ismiana,named person from Kuwait. I am married to Late Malam Usman Ismiana of blessed memory who worked with Kuwait embassy in Sudan for nine years before he died in the year
2000.We were married for eleven years without a child. He
died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both very devoted muslims.Since his death I too have been battling with both cancer and fibroid problems.When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of$10.5 Million (Ten Million Five hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) with an oversea security company. Presently,this money is still with the Security Company.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me
most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to
donate this fund to either a moslem organisation or devoted muslim
individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here- in. I want this muslim organisation or individual to use this money in all sincererity to fund mosques, orphanages,widows and also propagating the word of ALLAH and to ensure that the society upholds the views and beliefs of the holy Quran.

The holy Quran emphasized so much on ALLAH'S benevolence and this has encouraged me to take this bold step. I took this
decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are new Christians converts and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by people I call unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner.

Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with ALLAH the most beneficient and the most
merciful. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and also the presence of my husband's relatives around me always.

I don't want them to know about this development. With ALLAH all
things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original-
beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the Muslim community where you reside to always pray for me.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted muslim worthy of emulation. Whoever that wants to serve the ALLAH must
serve him in truth and in fairness. Please always be prayerful all
through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in
sourcing for a muslim organisation or a devoted muslim for this same purpose.

Until I hear from you, my dreams will rest squarely on your shoulders.

May the almighty ALLAH continue to guide and protect you.

Regards,

Iyesa Ismiana

NYC IS AWESOME

Jason, future father of my children and blogger, tells me why:


I just had the greatest subway experience ever! Two complete G's, full on super baggy jersey's, skull cap, and everything man, just totally thugged out guys on the subway both whipped out violins and started playing unbelievable classical music. when they stopped, everyone on the subway jumped to there feet and started applauding and people were screaming "bravo! bravo!"

YAY FOR JULIAN!

Yay for Julian for being awesome to his girlie. Apparently the release of the next Strokes single, "Reptilia," has been delayed because the artwork listed the song previously known as "Post Modern Girls" (which is named something else now, but we'll just stick to what we know), was listed as "The Strokes Featuring Regina Spektor" instead of "Regina Spektor Featuring the Strokes".

I like that Julian wanted his lady friend to get the top billing. I think that's very thoughtful. I also fucking love the song a lot. I like her voice on it.

SHE'S RELUCTANTLY GAINED CONTROL

Last night I met up with Karen at Virgin Megastore in Times Square to see the Darkness do an instore. They played 4 songs: "Growing On Me," "Get Your Hands off My Woman," "I Believe in a Thing Called Love," and "Love On the Rocks." I waved my arms in the air above my head and nearly lost my voice while trying to sing along. I also stood too close to the speakers and nearly lost my hearing.

Afterwards i went to Dos Caminos with my friends Rob S. (not the lovely Sheff) and Jen. I ate a salad and guac and we talked about food poisoning and today Jen told me that she got sick from the food last night. I also had a prickly pair margarita -- frozen cause it's classy that way.

Then i went to meet up with Lizzy, Niki, Ariel, and Ariel's cousin Sjidre at Cafe Mogador for some more food, because, I like to eat, a lot. A goat cheese salad later and we were on our feet and headed to lit to meet up with Brian (whom I'm trying to set up with Ariel), and see the Jasons DJ (Roth and Consoli). Ariel is friends with this guy named Josh who is apparently some famous classical violinist and he met up with us there too... i tried very hard to convince him that he should start wearing eyeliner, but I don't think he was buying it. Niki tried to convince him to cut his hair into a fauxhawk, but he wasn't buying that either. Seriously though, he needs eyeliner. He did shock me by being 35, i thought he was 25. He also shocked me by bringing the little brother from Little House on the Prairie with him to Lit. Also there were the Von Bondies (sans Jason). I stayed away from them out of fear that i'd say something utterly retarded like "How's Jason's face?" or "Care for some punch?"

Jason Roth said that the new Melissa Auf De Maur album is awesome. I wanna hear it. Wonder if she's better than Katy Rose.

Tonight Sydney and her boyfriend Brett are coming over for Shabbat dinner. When Syd and I were little we both were 20 lbs under weight (which gave us very Somalian-like features) because we pretty much hated to eat. Whenever Syd would come over for Shabbat dinner she'd clear her plate (my mom is a great cook) and i'd just poke at mine as my mom yelled at me for not eating and praised sydney for her consumption achievement. These days my mom yells at me for the opposite reason, which is only magnified by my father's recent obsession with weight loss (he will tell you how many calories your food is, how many grams of fat it is, and tell you how unhealthy the bread and rice you're shoveling into your face is).

I bought the Phantom Planet album last night, despite owning it already. I wanted to contribute money to the music industry and reward a band for their good album. I bought, no joke, five copies of the interpol album when it came out.

The Information are playing at Sin-e with the Madison Strays on Tuesday, January 20.


Also, Franz Ferdinand are playing at North Six with PITTY SING!!!!!!!! On the same fucking night. I don't know how I'm gonna manage all these shows, but redbull will guide the way.

HOLY FUCKING AWESOME!

The Killers have just announced that they're playing Bowery Ballroom on January 29. My head exploded all over the computer monitor out of excitment (which is sort of annoying). I dunno who they're playing with yet, but i'm pretty certain they're not headlining the Bowery yet. I CAN'T WAIT! Wanna know why? Download this motherfucking song, and you'll understand!



photo and mp3 courtesy of New York Doll

SAVE MISS MODERNAGE

Laura has gone crazy. Here is an IM conversation i had with her this evening.

miss modernage: seriously all these skating moves..
miss modernage: they must make this shit up
miss modernage: who talks like this?
miss modernage: tricks called "Method" and "session"
miss modernage: and "bennyhana"
miss modernage: like what the hell
Ultragrrrl: you should just name moves.
Ultragrrrl: that should be your new job.
miss modernage: hah
miss modernage: it really is elvish
miss modernage: it's like low-grade Elvish
miss modernage: mike rusczyk 26
trick:no comply photo:rodent
miss modernage: THE TRICK IS CALLED "NO COMPLY"???
miss modernage: i've never even heard of such a thing
miss modernage: this is serious bullshit
miss modernage: i saw video of Ryan Sheckler the other day
Ultragrrrl: look it up.
miss modernage: if i was a 15 year old girl i would marry him
Ultragrrrl: this IM conversation is going up on my blog.
miss modernage: http://ryansheckler.com/
miss modernage: ok
Ultragrrrl: look at it as a form of interventionl.
miss modernage: i should write ryan sheckler an email
Ultragrrrl: yes. you should.
miss modernage: and tell him if he ever comes to new york i'll pimp him out to all my pedophiliac friends
miss modernage: which amounts to... ok i do'nt know any pedophiles
miss modernage: he's a little TOO young
miss modernage: but i know 17 year old boys and he can hang out with them
miss modernage: and break young hearts
Ultragrrrl: hello!
miss modernage: HE'S LIKE 15
miss modernage: that's even too young for you
Ultragrrrl: are you not speaking to LES's #1 pedophile?
Ultragrrrl: oh, fifteen. yeah.
miss modernage: you do'nt do 15
miss modernage: c'mon
Ultragrrrl: i didnt even do 15 when i was 15
miss modernage: you were never 15
miss modernage: always 18 and up
Ultragrrrl: you're 15 now.
Ultragrrrl: OMG.
Ultragrrrl: my dog is 15~!
miss modernage: woah
miss modernage: ok so shecks can han gou w/ your dog
miss modernage: "There is this sic sk8shop that I got my first board at. The shop is IWS in Laguna Niguel. I would go in there a lot after school and hang out. I was 6 or 7 at the time and sk8ing a lot of CASL contests. I brought in my trophies and they would put them up in the shop. "
miss modernage: this is totally hysterical
miss modernage: "sic sk8shop"
miss modernage: yesterday i saw some guy reading Moto X magazines
miss modernage: he was like 28
miss modernage: i wa slike what's a 28 year old reading moto x magazines for
miss modernage: it seemed wrong
miss modernage: but i guess it is kinda expensive to ride motorcross
Ultragrrrl: 6 or 7?!
miss modernage: so ok
Ultragrrrl: does this kid have PARENTS?!
miss modernage: yeah
miss modernage: did you ever read that article
miss modernage: that was in the NYTimes?
miss modernage: it was the cover story
miss modernage: this like 5 year old boy
Ultragrrrl: no. words big.
miss modernage: skater
miss modernage: it was the most insane thing ever
miss modernage: "Things that bother me the most
1. HATERS …… nothing in the world worse than jealous h8ers!
2. Quitters
3. Complainers
4. Braggers
5. Bullies"
miss modernage: i hope this kid doesn't grow up to be dumb
miss modernage: http://ryansheckler.com/images/8.jpg
Ultragrrrl: he's so small! like a human puppy!
Ultragrrrl: they make people that small?
miss modernage: yes
miss modernage: like that Polish idol
miss modernage: she was seriously like 4 feet tall
Ultragrrrl: mini people! what a concept.
miss modernage: yeah they're called "children"
Ultragrrrl: i want one.

HORAY FOR BARRY!

My mail order scottish teenage boyfriend and Nick Jago doppelganger, Barry Nicolson, wrote his very first cover story for the NME. He's only 19! Without a doubt, he one of the most talented writer I've come across. I'm so proud of him!

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH US

I still get dizzy and teary when I listen to "Karma Police". I remember the first time I saw the video for it... I sat not more than 7" from the TV screen... just so i wouldn't miss anything important. They were the first band my parents let me skip Shabbat dinner for. My first rationalization to them when pleading my case was "it's a religous experience, that's the important thing, isn't it?" Eventually, dropping to the floor, kicking and screaming (gucci little piggy) seemed to do the trick. They once played on a Jew holiday (i forget which) and i was pissed. Did you know that Phil Selway the drummer is a Jew? He vacations in Israel, i know this because he told me.

APOLOGIES TO MARC SPITZ

After not only promoting his book reading on my blog and to everyone within ear shot, i was quickly reminded of my retardation. I had an important annual birthday to attend that night. And since birthday's come only once a year...

Anyway, Marc wasn't pleased. He recommended i share with you all his not-so-kind words. I'm choosing to share them cause they're funny:

i don't know why i'm doing this cause you missed my fucking reading, which was the best one i've done yet and two kids came down (up?) all the way from new fucking haven, cn just to see me for 20 minutes but you couldn't come from the fucking lower east side ... [text omitted for special reasons] ... as much as i hate you right now, i still love the kids and i think the kids need [text omitted].  there's nothing you can do to me that will make me hate the kids... the kids in cure t-shirts and thick black glasses.  so fuck you, my man.  you can travel uptown for lunch, right?  you don't have to go to your best sort of friend's monkey baptism/key party in  some loft/former brass cockring factory on delancey street right?  right.  rock trash!  motherfucker!  i love you.  and you can put this on your piece of shit blog, you hebe lush.
m
ps. i really was good last night.  and i dreamt the kids loved me.

I do love Marc Spitz tho. This should be noted. And I dont mean the olympic diver/swimmer dude.

LONDON CALLING

Much to the British people's delight (or dismay, rather), me and a huge group of kids will be embarking on a trip to London just in time for the NME awards. It's gonna be me, the boyfriends Raphael and Greg, their roommate Andrew, my friend Karen, hopefully Vicki, definitely Rob S, the bf's friend Marissa, and some other folks who decided that paying $325 for a round trip ticket on Virgin Atlantic was reasonable for a long weekend (let me know if you think so also so you might be included on debauched times). Last time me and Greg went to London we spent the entire time running around from bar to bar, gig to gig, drinking our weight in booze. Many people were convinced that they had seen our group Debutaunt, and were fans. We're hoping for the same bullshit this time. We're working on showing the Brits up, and really, there's nobody better for this task than the kids mentioned above. God save the Queen and God save our livers.

In other news, I had incredible sushi last night at some place on the upper east side called Sushi by Gari. I'm still full.

FANTASTIC!

As if Ryan Adams wasn't awesome enough, check out this voice mail he left some reviewer. It's so fucking genius. I love him.

By the way, speaking of fantastic things, the new Phantom Planet album is OUT TODAY. Seriously, that album is like, whoa. I've listened to it nearly daily for a month and i never get bored of it.

EVERYTHING ZEN

Introducing...
iPod mini!


OK, since this is my (non)sobriety blog:
Last night Brian [site updated btw] picked me up from my apt and tried his best to fix my aching back which i seemed to pull while taking off my jacket(!!!). Go figure. We then went to my friend Kelci's going away party on Ave D. Kel is moving to Boston to go to Berklee School of Music, which is fucking awesome. She also happens to be the cutest girl ever. We met when I was 15 and she was 13, outside the girls bathroom of Dwight Englewood High School. We were both attending the Battle of the Bands and she complimented my hair (i think it was either blue, green or purple at the time) and she had her hair dyed some random color. It was like punk rock love at first sight. Amazingly, when I asked her who did her hair, her answer was "my dad." Anyway, back to the party: Kelci was drinking some pink drink that matched her pink pulled back hair and tasted like a watermelon jolly rancher. She immediately made me one, which i nursed for about 3 hours (it was very, very, very strong), and shoved viles filled with sweet liquor in all of our hands insisting that we take jello shots. Done and Done. By 1am, i was seeing double of everyone, including this girl that Kelci is best friends with who people were arguing about.
"She looks like Natalie Portman!"
"No! She looks like Angelina Jolie!"
"Natalie!"
"Angelina!"

God bless these punk rock doppelgangers.

After seeing double for a half hour, Brian and I went to meet up with Jordan who moved back to Detroit today to finish up his Journalism degree at UMich. Jordan introduced me to a clever word: "Sororitutes". Jordan is very clever and will be missed by me and all my friends. The three of us tried to do Karaoke at 2 in the morning, but when we pulled up to Nolita Tavern, it turned out that the place was about to go under renovation -- at that very moment -- and we found Sid & Buddy carting all their Karaoke equipment out of the joint. I guess the Aquarius will be at Brian's afterall!

RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING BUSH'S SIXTEEN STONE. I NEED HELP.
don't let the daaaaaaaays go by/i should've been easier on you...


Anyway, goodbye my sweet friends! Best of luck!

THAT'S CRAZY Y'ALL!

OK, for the record, Mommy and Daddy's account of their time in Vegas was a joke. I discovered this after emailing them about it. Whoops!

Anyway, the former Mr. Spears has already provided us with Quote of the Year and it's only the first week in January!

"...that's when we needed to tell everybody what we done did." - Jason Allen Alexander Spears

For real, I couldnt make that shit up if i tried. Thankfully, Stereogum provides a full transcript of Mr. Festivus' interview with Billy Bush on some Magazine TV show right here.

And here is the married couple:


Part of me thinks that the following thoughts ran through Brit's mind:
"Bennifer are here too, i'm gonna show them how easy it is to get married. Ya know, lead by example or something."
"Justin, you think you're such hot shit with your Hollywood actress. Check me out, biznatch."

Looking at photos of Britney, i'm seeing the puffy face, the tired eyes, the thrown together look... I'm beginning to think that maybe it's time she start a sobriety blog also. Girlfriend, hurry up and get with it before they toss you in rehab! Give me a shout and i'll show you how to set up a blog. Lay off the booze for like, two weeks. Trust me on this one.

MARC SPITZ BOOK READING

Sometimes people ask me why i promote Marc's book so much on this site. Well, the reason is because it's good. And I'm proud of him. And if you did something that i thought was fantastic, i'd promote it too. Also, Marc is the Max Martin to my Britney Spears.

WHO: Marc Spitz reading from that book he wrote last year about the Smiths
WHY: Cause the organizer of a new reading series at Barbes asked him to
WHEN: Tuesday, January 6 at 7 PM
WHERE: Barbes  376 9th Street (corner of 6th Ave) Park Slope/Brooklyn (go to www.barbesbrooklyn.com or www.marcspitz.com for more info)
MARC ANNOYS ME, WHY SHOULD I COME: There are two other readers (three actually) Will Leitch (Life as a Loser), and Jeff Sharlet with Peter Manseau (Killing the Buddha), also you can say to yourself while I read a bit about Johnny Marr ("I hear Johnny Marr actually has this book in his possession now and commented that it looks 'Very interesting."  Cause he fucking did!!!!!) Also...it's a bar so if you hate me, get drunk and heckle me. Actually, I will pick up the first heckler's bar tab.
You know, before kicking his ass.
ARE ALL YOUR DREAMS MADE WHEN YOU'RE CHAINED TO THE MIRROR AND THE RAZOR BLADE?: Yes. Yes, they are.

OK, HOLY FUCKING SHIT, AGAIN

New York rockers (and married couple), Mommy and Daddy, were in Las Vegas and ran into the JUST MARRIED Britney Spears and lived to write about it on their livejournal. Melody Nelson sent me thie link this morning. Thank you.

meets

BTW, if you haven't heard M&D's music, you really should check it out.

Now I want to go to Vegas and get married to a friend too!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Miss Modernage gave us the fucking scoop of 2004! BRITNEY SPEARS GOT MARRIED. Oh. My. God.

Meanwhile, Miss Modernage also put up the most comprehensive New Years Eve photo collage... i'm getting my ass grabbed in it. check it. Seriously, i'm scared to death of pussy, but like, i'm in love with the Modern Age. She was my New Years Eve kiss after all. Not everyone can put that on their resume... ok, like 40 people can, but so what?

Tonight I went to Tis Was because Brian Malloy posted on Friendster that he was coming back for one night only. I danced with Julie, Lizzy, Marc, and Mikey. We had fun. Too much fun. I'm drunk now. Well, not really drunk cause i'm still able to do some minor html, but still. Some guy tried to pick me up, and here's how it happend.
Me: (to Johnny Kaps and Jessica) I'm the Jewish Madonna today. I'm wearing two stars of David and pearls!
Johnhy: Totally!
Random Boy: (a minute later, whom i notice hovering over our conversation) Are you looking for someone to dance with? Are you here with anyone?
Me: (pointing to Mikey, my ex) Yeah, i'm with him. (i'm not really, but he was the closest person to me with a penis)
Random Boy: Are you Jewish?
Me: Uh... Yeah. (while holding onto one of my two Stars of David)
Random Boy: Me too.
Me: Oh.
Random Boy: I'm from Israel.
Me: Oh. (turns around).

I'm usually much nicer and friendlier to people. But if your pick up line is "Are you Jewish?" while I'm wearing the BIGGEST AND GAUDIEST Stars of David that ever hit NYC (seriously, one of them was lined with crystals), i think you need a better pick up line.

Anyway, I dance a lot to everything good. People really should start returning to Tis Was. It used to be the fucking shit. What the shit?

Whoopa!

Last night I got kicked out of Lit for throwing a glass bottle at a wall. Funny thing is, i didn't do it. Also, Jordan dressed up like Judd from the Breakfast Club, so I think that put me in a rebelious mood.

I'm happy to be going out on the town again, but sad I missed both pre-parties that I intended on attending. I need to learn how to be more punctual in the New Year.

New Years Eve Uncensored!

Jenny Penny put up photos from New Years that are a thousand times better than mine. Click Here.

Fixed Photos...

I realize that Yahoo! is sometimes balls. So click here to see New Years Eve courtesy of oPhoto.

Photos from New Years!

Here are photos from both New Years Eve parties: Fatherfucker and Trash. Look for yourself in them. Fun days.

Feel free to send me your new years eve party photos. I wanna see people having fun.

New Years Eve photos!

Thank goodness for digital cameras. It gives us instant gratification. Less than 24 hours after the fact and Jake arleady posted photos from the party he went to last night. Click
here for maximum fagatude.

Also, Jo Divestar posted a little mpeg movie of the Fever's cover of Outkast's "Hey Ya!" from New Years Eve. Ova here.

HORAY FOR KURT FROM NORWAY!

He was my pick from the beginning, but i'm still shocked that he won!

Kelly did not look pleased.

Happy New Year!

Last night was the gayest and best new years i've ever had. Started the night at Greg's for Fatherfucker. When I arrived, Laura was perched on top of a couch and screaming out "SARAH!!!!!!!!" She pretty much played Paul Revere the whole night and instead of saying "The British are coming!" she declared "The hipsters are coming!" I asked her to be my new years kiss, and so she was. No tongue tho. I then made out with Electro Greg and an apparently bi-sexual guy named Jonathan with a Norwegian haircut. I also found a picture of Kate Moss, cut out her mouth, and went around with my lips in place of hers asking people if they wanted to kiss Kate.

Then i went to DJ at Don Hills and the place was packed. My first song was "Ice Ice Baby." I made out a bit more with other boys. Maybe some of them were gay. I'm not sure. I think i'm gonna make buttons that say "I made out with Ultragrrrl." Anyway, throughout the night about 1100 people showed up to Don Hills, so thank you so much if you were one of them!

I got home at about 8am. Walked my blind dog and then went to sleep.

Now I just have to wait a few more hours until "World Idol" is on. I <3 KURT!

I know i left out a lot of stuff. My head is broken today.